The One with all the pickles
by piddimizer21
Summary: This is my first fan fic. It's the ultimate showdown between Ben and Joey to see who can eat the most pickles. Ross and Pheobe are the coaches and Monica is keeping score. Rachael and Chandler go shopping for halloween costumes for Chandler and Emma. RR
1. Default Chapter

Episode 1: The one with all the pickles.

Open: Shot of inside of Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the sofa drinking coffee and looking at a Comic Book. Ross and his son Ben come walking in.

Ross: Hey guys!

Ben: Uncle Chandler! (Runs over and jumps on Chandler's lap)

Chandler: HEYUGH BEN! (winces) Funny, I think I finally figured out why I can't have kids.

Ben: Where's Aunt Monica?

Chandler: Working.

Ben: When does she get home?

Chandler: I don't know.

Ben: Why?

Chandler: Cause I don't know.

Ben: Why?

Chandler: Cause I just don't.

Ben: Why?

Chandler: Oh no, do we have to keep doing this? (laughs annoyingly)

Ross: That's enough Ben.

Ben: (looking at Joey) What are you reading?

Joey: (looks back) Comic Book.

Ben: Which one?

Joey: Spider-Man.

Ben: Is it good?

Joey: Yes.

Ben: Do you like it?

Joey: Yes.

Ben: Why?

Joey: Cause its cool.

Ben: Why?

Joey: Cause there is a lot of action.

Ben: Why?

Chandler: (quietly to Ross) Lets go. They will be at this for hours.

Ross: Right.

Joey: Because I like the pictures.

Ben: Why?

Joey: (putting down comic book) Because it's Spider-Man.

Ben: Why?

Cut to: Title segment.


	2. Act I

Open: Cue cheesy cut scene music (Bow wow wrown) and out side shot of apartment. Inside we see Monica and Pheobe sitting at Monicas' table. Monica is writing in a planner and Pheobe is painting her nails.

Pheobe: (lifts hand and looks at nails) Oh no.

Monica: What?

Pheobe: I just remembered I forgot to remove the old color.

Monica: How could you forget?

Pheobe: I don't know. I must have gotten lost in the pretty sparkles.

Monica: So let me see what your nails look like now.

Pheobe: Ok, but I warn you, it might be too bright for normal human eyes.

Monica: (astonished) Wow Pheebes. These are beautiful.

Pheobe: (not surprised) Well duh. I did it myself you know.

Cut to: Monica looking at Pheobe smiling. We see the door open and here comes Rachel talking on her cell phone.

Rachel: No mother…Mom…mom….MOM! Emma is not going to dress up like Winnie the Pooh for Halloween. No, not even Piglet. I will dress her up myself. (hangs up) Sheesh, some people. Ohh….Pheobe, I love your nails!

Pheobe: I know, I'm the queen, you can tell me.

Cut to: Door opening and Chandler, Ross, Joey and Ben come walking in. Chandler is holding his fingers in his ears and so is Ross. They both head over to the couch and sit down as it is obvious that Ben and Joey are still going at it.

Ben: Why?

Joey: Because I said so!

Ben: Why?

Ross: Ben, I think that's enough.

Joey: (to Ross) Thank you, Ross. I was starting to run out of reasons why I like Spider-Man.

Chandler: (snidely to Joey) _Starting!_

Cut to: Monica opening up refrigerator and looking inside.

Monica: (to Chandler) Chandler, didn't you go to the store like I asked?

Chandler: I was going to but I got sidetracked in wanting to get away from the "why's" and "because's".

Monica: Well that's just great, all we have are a couple of jars of pickles. I don't have enough things for dinner tonight.

Chandler: Well, I'm sorry Mon, I geuss we will just have to eat pickles then.

Monica: Umm….I don't think so. Besides, there is no way anyone can eat just pickles for dinner and not get sick.

Cut to: Joey running over and sitting down at table. He quickly places a napkin in his shirt. We also see Ben run over and do the same thing.

Ben and Joey: I can do it.

Ben and Joey: (to each other) No you can't.

Ben and Joey: You're to old…You're too young.

Joey: Listen buddy, there is no way you can eat all those pickles. It isn't good for you.

Ross: It isn't good for you either Joe.

Ben: Thanks daddy.

Ross: No, no. I wasn't defending you. You don't need to eat just pickles either.

Ben: (pleading to Ross) But daaaad! Mommy lets me do it all the time. (to himself) that she doesn't know of.

Ross: No Ben.

Joey: I bet I could eat more than you.

Ben: No way, I bet I can.

Chandler: This should be interesting…..

Ross: Alright fine, but if you get sick Ben, you promise not to tell mommy how you got sick?

Pheobe: Great parenting, Ross.

Ross: Excuse me?

Pheobe: Huh…what? Damn fairies.

Cut to: Shot of everyone looking at Pheobe oddly.

Ben: I promise not too. Joey, I'm taking you down.

Joey: Bring it on kid.

Monica: Ok then, it's a game. Whoever can eat the most pickles can win. I will make a tally board, Chandler can go get some more pickles and more stuff to eat and Pheobe and Ross….well…you can be motivation.

Pheobe and Ross: What?

Monica: Motivation. Like ringside coaches. Ross for Ben and Pheobe for Joey.

Rachael: Ha ha. This should be good.

Ross: HEY, I GIVE GREAT MOTIVATION!

Rachael: Ross, c'mon, the last time you tried to motivate me to get me out of bed, we ended up in bed….together.

Ross: It would have never happened if you wouldn't have told me the floor was covered in snakes when I was drunk.

Rachael: I only said that cause I was lonely and wanted attention.

Chandler: Gee, I wish I had someone to motivate me to get into bed, instead of forcing me to.

Monica: You want motivation Mr. Here's some. Go get more pickles before I drag you down there by the ear.

Chandler: (Scared) See what I mean.

Cut to: Commercial break and cheesy music.


	3. Act II

Come back from break now. Bun duh duhh!

Open on the kitchen table, which is littered with plastic bowls, filled with pickles. On each side of the table Ben and Joey are sitting there with napkins tucked into the collars of their shirts and two cups full of water. Monica is standing in front of the fridge with a white board. On one side is Joey's name and Ben's is on the other. Ross is massaging Ben's shoulders and Pheobe is massaging Joey's jaw. Chandler is just sitting on the sofa watching TV with Rachael.

Monica: Ok here are the rules.

Rachael: (to Chandler) Seriously, there are rules to this?

Chandler: It's Monica.

Monica: Hey, keep your traps shut over there.

Pheobe: C'mon champ. Eat those pickles. Make them fear your teeth.

Joey: Oh I'm gonna!

Ross: Remember small bites Ben. The smaller the bites, the less your stomach will fill up.

Joey: And the smaller the bites Ben means the slower it will take you to eat the most pickles.

Ben: PHHHHHBBBBBTTTTT!

Joey: Oh that's it, you're going down!

Monica: Ok, no time limit. Whoever eats the most wins. We started you both off with 50 pickles. If you eat all of them, then well….Chandler gets to go get more.

Pheobe: Hey. Chandler's Peter Piper.

Chandler: Yeah only this time I actually get to pick the peck instead of my peck getting picked.

Monica: Keep talking like that and no peck of yours is going to get picked…EVER!

Chandler: (silently) Not like it will happen tonight anyway.

Monica: I HEARD THAT!

Rachael: See, this is why I never wanted to get married.

Chandler: Trust me, it isn't as bad as it seems.

Monica: Ok, on your mark, get set…..GO!

Chandler: (in background) Or maybe it is.

Cut to: Ben and Joey going full bore into the pickles. Ross and Pheobe are cheering and name calling each other. Joey has two pickles in each hand and Ben is only holding one in each hand.

Rachael: Hey chandler, will you go costume shopping with me for Emma? I need some help.

Chandler: But I'm no good at shopping for kids. Plus every time Halloween comes around, I get stuck with stupid costumes that make me look like an ass.

Rachael: (silently) I don't think it is the costume.

Chandler: What?

Rachael: Nothing. Come on, it will be fun. I will even buy rent a costume for you.

Chandler: Anything?

Rachael: Anything. I promise.

Chandler: Ok, but lets get going before I have to go get more pickles.

Rachael: Do you really think that they will eat all of those?

Chandler: It's Joey. Besides, I put a few extra bottles in Joey's fridge.

Cut to: Chandler and Rachael getting up from the sofa and sneaking out without anyone noticing. It was hard for them to notice with Joey and Ben diving into the pickles. We watch as Monica is quickly marking tally's next to each person's name at an incredibly fast pace. Joey stops to take a drink of water and to stare down Ben. Ben notices and just smirks at Joey. Joey takes this personally and is astounded and begins to eat faster.

Ross: C'mon Ben, eat those pickles. Eat those pickles like you have never eaten pickles before!

Pheobe: Imagine it's the best sex you have ever had in your life!

Ross: Hey child here.

Pheobe: Oh right I forgot, sorry Ross, I didn't realize you were still in pre-school!

Ross: (angry) That's it. C'MON BEN KICK HIS ASS!

Cut to: Monica swiftly writing more tally marks and Ross looking at Pheobe, red with anger.

Cut to: Commercial break and cheesy cut music.


	4. Act IIIEnd

Open with cheesy music and an outside shot of a costume store. Rachael and Chandler come walking in and Chandler is not too happy. He looks extremely tired.

Rachael: C'mon Chandler. This is only the third store we have been too. You can't be that tired.

Chandler: But I am. Why do you think I have a hard time going shopping for Christmas gifts?

Rachael: So how do you shop?

Chandler: They way every red blooded American shops, the Internet.

Rachael: No wonder Monica doesn't take you shopping with her anymore.

Chandler: Can we just pick something and go, I haven't seen anything I liked yet and you have been speculating on one costume that we saw at the first store? (whining)

Rachael: Shush. If we don't find anything we like here we can go.

Chandler: You know, I could always get something for Emma online.

Rachael: NO! I want to pick it out myself, not some click happy porn looking angry shopper.

Chandler: You forgot horny.

Rachael: Whatever. OOOH! Look at these, aren't they cute?

Chandler: Sure, if you want her looking like a giant red ball.

Rachael: It's an apple. I think she would be cute as an apple.

Chandler: Whatever you say. It's not my child.

Chandler walks off into the distance as he spies something he likes. Rachael is looking around some more but decides that the apple is what she is going to get. Now she can't find Chandler.

Rachael: Chandler? Chandler! Now where did that pervert go?

Cut to: Monica's Kitchen and the pickle contest. We see the tally board and its neck and neck. The score is 35 to 35 and both Ben and Joey have slowed down since we last saw them. Joey is now holding a pickle in one hand and the cup of water in the other with a look of fullness on his face. Ben is acting the same way. Ross and Pheobe are still going at it and are the only ones that seem to be having a good time.

Ross: FLAKE!

Pheobe: GEEK!

Ross: AIRHEAD!

Pheobe: NERD!

Ross: UGLY FINGERNAIL PAINTER!

Pheobe: DORK!

Ross: HA! That's the same as what you just said! I win!

Monica: (making another tally mark for Joey) Actually a dork is a slang term for a whales' penis.

Ross: WHAT!

Pheobe: HA! Looks like someone isn't as smart as they seem! Are you sure you know what you're talking about when you teach about dinosaurs?

Ross: At least I didn't sleep with my sister's ex boyfriend there by meaning you slept with you're sister.

Pheobe: Yeah well at least I didn't say the wrong name at the alter!

Ben and Joey: ENOUGH!

Joey: Look if you guys are just going to fight…BURP…then you can just leave.

Ben: Sorry daddy, Uncle Joey is right. Please don't….urp. (acts like he is going to get sick)

Joey: Hee hee hee! Looks like I'm going to win!

Ben is now making more sickening noises and everyone is watching him, even Joey. Joey is now starting to get sick as he takes another bite of a pickle and then looks at the tally. They are still tied and if Ben loses it, he wins if he can choke down the pickle. Ben keeps making noises and Joey can't take it. He gets up and runs into the bathroom. Monica runs in after him and comes running out 5 seconds later.

Monica: WE HAVE A WINNER! WINNER BY DEFAULT THANKS TO A VOMIT COMPLEX, BEN!

Pheobe: Wait, if Ben throws up too, then it's a tie and nobody wins. THROW UP BEN, THROW UP!

Ben keeps acting like he is going to throw up as Joey comes walking back out to the table and sits down. He takes a drink of water and looks sad but keeps watching, hoping that Ben will lose his lunch. Ben looks at Joey and Joey looks at Ben. Joey eyes him down hard and Ben stares back. He picks up his net pickle and then looks at Joey with sickness in his eyes. Then all of a sudden Ben stops making noises and looks normal again. Joey looks in shock as he chomps down one final pickle for the win.

Monica: THAT"S IT! WINNER BY FAKE-OUT, BEN!

Pheobe: Cheater!

Ross: Way to go!

Ben: OUTA MY WAY! (runs off to the bathroom) Hey, he forgot to flush…..BLARF!

Monica: JOEY!

Joey: SEE YA! (runs out the door)

Cut to: Costume shop and Rachael standing outside a dressing room door. The door opens and we are looking at her from Chandler's point of view. She just starts to laugh.

Chandler: So what do you think?

Rachael: That's what you want? (still laughing)

Chandler: Yep. Monica won't like it, but I do.

Rachael: Ok, but I'm still getting the apple. Let's get out of here, I wonder if they are done yet?

Cut back to: Monica's apartment and Ross and Pheobe are sitting on the sofa not talking to each other.

Monica: Guys don't be like this. Just apologize. You both know you didn't mean it.

Pheobe: I will only apologize if he says my nails look pretty.

Ross: Yeah right.

Pheobe: Ok then, I guess I will just go and tell Ben the real story of how he lost his first mother to a lesbian.

Ross: OK OK OK! Pheobe, I'm sorry. I take back what I said. I do really love your nails. Please forgive me.

Pheobe: (beat) Ok, I forgive you. But only because I am the queen.

Cut to: Door bursting open and they all look to see Chandler standing there in the most flamboyant cowboy costume he could find. It has a red hat, vest, sheriff's badge, two cap guns, cow print chaps and boots with spurs on them.

Chandler: HOWDY PARTNERS!

Monica, Ross, Pheobe: WHAT THE!

Chandler: I heard there were some pickle eatin' bandits in these hear parts, I came here to arrest them.

Monica: Oh yeah and what's your name sheriff?

Chandler: Sheriff Peter 'Peck" Piper. You can call me 'Peck' for short.

Pheobe: At least you got the 'Peck' part right.

Cut to: End credits.


End file.
